You Know You Have Celiac, If...

[aquick]

I think we can all see ourselves in at least one of these situations!!! Another celiac sent them to me and I thought they were funny -- even though some of them would be ridiculous if they weren't true! I had to add #20 and #21 myself. I am sorry to say that they are true experiences.

Hope you see the humor in them too! If we can't laugh about this stuff, we will go crazy!!!


You know you have Celiac Disease if....


1. Your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play Doh.

2. You've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your mayo.
3. You weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints.
4. You weep at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
5. You've ever "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner party.
6. You have written "contaminated" on jars of peanut butter.
7. You ask every restaurant if they have baked potatoes.
8. People think you're on the Atkins diet
9. You've washed your telephone after someone answered it while eating.
10. You've checked all cups in a coffee shop for crumb residue.
11. You can say Kinnikinnick 10 times fast.
12. Someone complains of IBS, and you tell them to quit eating gluten!
13. At least once a day you fake a smile and say, "Sorry, I can't have that."
14. You call a dream about eating pizza and chocolate cake a NIGHTMARE!!
15. You eat before you go out to eat.
16. You have anxiety attacks when dinner party invitations are extended.
17. People come to you who have your symptoms and think that they automatically have CD, even though they have the flu.

18. You bring your own soy-sauce to the sushi restaurant.

19. You think the words "Are you sure its not all in your head?" are grounds for justifiable homicide. (Especially when they come from your doctor!)

20. You have thought about strangling well meaning friends and relatives who suggest "It won't hurt you to have just a a little bit, will it?"

21. Your doctor suggests that it is ok to eat regular birthday cake if it is your birthday!


Disclaimer --- I am a volunteer and not a medical expert, but I can share with you information that I have found helpful. Please contact your medical professional for medical advice regarding your situation. Please verify the gluten free status of products often for your own protection.

[edgeyveggie]

Number 21 makes me shake my head in grief

Great list though it's funny hahah

[lilacgirl]

I had a good laugh at this, its so true, that its funny!!

I sent it to a few family members (non coeliacs) and they felt sorry for me and didnt see any humour!!!

[hathor]

#14 reminds me of a conversation I had with another GF vegan. Turns out we both have figured out that if we ever are on death row we want pepperoni pizza with extra cheese for our final meals. I would top that off with cheesecake. I figure by the next morning I would WANT them to put me out of my misery ...

Is this sick or funny

[jax]

Here's another list... this one is longer

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE CELIAC DISEASE:
if you dont remember what crackers are supposed to taste like.
if you bring "special" beer to the party, and don't share.
if you actually have nightmares about reading labels.
if you compare all of your food to "normal-people-food."
if you call all your relatives when you get sick. It MUST be becase something you ate has been cross-contaminated.
if you cry when you discover a new way to make gluten-free bread. And call all your relatives.
if you know that Xantham Gum is not for chewing.
if you don't lick stamps.
if you have a nose.
if your mother is afraid to do the cooking
if you sit on the phone with a pharmacy for an hour to find out what type of starch they use just so that you can take a generic Tylenol and be-rid of your headache.
if you know that spelt is a distant cousin of wheat, but buckwheat is not related to wheat at all.
if the construction workers working on the house next door to you can EASILY substitute your bread for one of their bricks.
if your grandmother INSISTS that you don't have celiac, you're just “suffering from malabsorption”
if you burst into tears of relief at the sight of the words "gluten free" stamped on the corner of the Nestle hot cocoa mix.
if people at summer camps roll their eyes and tell you to "stop annoying the junior waiters with your stupid low carb diet because you're skinny enough already"
if you actually KNOW what an anti-TTG and an IGA blood test are.
if you forget to buy bun, rolls, bread, ect. at the store for all the gluten eaters of you family.
if people have invite you to "The Olive Garden" on April first.
if you have accept their invitation and as pay back you bake them brownies
if you sold your house to buy groceries
if you sold your first child to buy groceries (even if you did not have one at the time)
if you can find "hidden gluten" in food labels in the blink of an eye,
if your family couldn't find them if they had a magnifying glass, dictionary, and Ph.D.
if you've actually suggested cardboard for dinner.
if you've actually eaten cardboard for dinner.
if you wept the first time you tried to make gluten free sugar cookies
if you accept that fact that cardboard probably taste better than gluten free sugar cookies anyway.
if you have ever made a list of everything you would eat if a magical genie could cure you.
if you keep this list with you at all times just in case you should come across a magical genie.
if you have searched for a magical genie.
if you now have a large collection of old lamps.
if you get a medical exemption out of cooking class because they are baking bread.
if you've been caught licking a discarded Twinkie wrapper.
if at Christmas, visions of guar gum dance in your head.
if you've had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.
if you weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints.
if you weep at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
if you've "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner engagement.
if a 7 Course Meal is a 1 Course Meal for you. Lettuce.
if you've installed floor-to-ceiling bookcases in your bathroom.
if you've ever driven more than 40 miles to buy flour or a cookie.
if it takes you 4 hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is
ruined.
if you hyperventilate when passing by the bakery counter.
if you've ever deliberately rammed your cart into a Shredded Wheat
display in a fit of rage.
if you've ever had to take out a loan to pay the grocery bill.
if you'd gladly pay any price for a pretzel that doesn't taste like
sawdust, or bread that doesn't taste like an old shoe.
if the centerpiece on your dining room table is a bread machine with memorial candles.
if your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play
Doh.
if your bread weighs more than any moon rock could possibly weigh.
if one of your primary goals in life is to create "Fake Oreo
Cookies".
if you've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your
mayo.
if you've brought a suitcase full of food with you on a cruise.
if you pace and circle the store three or four times when deciding on a new product, pick it up look at the ingredients, each time. Only to leave without it, figuring why bother.
if your family thinks you're crazy for not tasting their new chocolate chip cookie recipe, because surely a little nibble couldn't hurt right?
if your financial portfolio consists of stock in two major toilet paper companies.
if you are up late at night trying to develop a recipe for pizza without flour, cheese, yeast, tomatoes, beef, garlic and oregano.
if you can spell transglutaminase and dermatitis herpetiformis.
if you just discovered how to make flour out of turnips.
if you show up at the annual church pancake breakfast with a mask and sardine lettuce rollups
if having solid poop is the highlight of your day.
if you have actually doodled a new cartoon dog on your notes named "Sprue"
if you have a sign in your kitchen saying "Gluten free environment"
if you have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck
if you have to buy extra memory for your Treo to be able to carry all your gluten-free food and restaurant suggestions
if you've mastered saying "I actually enjoy MY food" without your face twitching
if you know all about xanthan gum and its uses.
if you have ever dreamt about Wonder Bread.
if you hide the gluten-free cookies when guests come over, so they dont eat them.
if you read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
if you know exactly when Post added barley flavoring back to the Fruity Pebbles and you're ticked.
if you pay relatives back east exorbitant shipping rates to send you a $12 six pack of Gluten-free beer.
if you cried when you saw your usually careful husband brushing the crumbs off his hands (from making a gluten-containing sandwich) RIGHT OVER the open utensil drawer
if you talk about your disease (not the unpleasant parts) so much to your friends and acquaintances that your husband tells you you need to get another hobby
if you take a list of safe drinks to the bar with you. And actually consult it before you order a drink.
if you see someone buying rice flour in the bulk section and you just have to ask them if they are gluten intolerant too!
if it drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet, they did Atkins.
if people roll their eyes at you when you say "no thank you" to someone's gluten filled dessert
if you've refused things as "simple" as gum or sucking candies because you don't know if they're safe.
if you talk about endoscopies and colonoscopies like these are normal everyday occurrences that everyone gets nearly every year.
if you've ever watched your own -scopy, and asked the doc to point out anything cool.

And another:

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A CELIAC IF...

...you've ever had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.
...you weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints, as well as breakfast, lunch, dinner.
...you've "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner
...a 7 course meal is a 1 course meal for you -Lettuce.
...you've installed bookcases in your bathroom.
...you've driven more than 40 miles to buy a cookie.
...it takes you 4 hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is ruined.
...you hold your breath through the bakery section.
...you feel like you need a loan to pay the grocery bill.
...your bread weighs more than a moon rock and just happens to resemble one as well.
...you've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your mayo.
...you've brought a suitcase full of food with you on an over night trip
...your family thinks you're crazy for not tasting their new chocolate chip cookie recipe, because surely a little nibble couldn't hurt right?
...you can spell transglutaminase and dermatitis herpetiformis.
...you show up at the annual church pancake breakfast with a mask and lettuce rollups
...having solid poop is the highlight of your day.
...you have actually doodled a new cartoon dog on your notes named "Sprue"
...you have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck
...you've mastered saying "I actually enjoy MY food" (without your face twitching)
... you hide the gluten-free cookies when guests come over, so they dont eat them.
...you read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
...you pay relatives back east exorbitant shipping rates to send you a $12 six pack of gluten-free beer.
...you cried when you saw your usually careful significant other or family member brushing the crumbs off their hands (from making a gluten-containing sandwich) RIGHT OVER the open utensil drawer
...you hear of a new health food store opening in a city close by and get ridiculously excited only to drive there, spend 2 hours walking around, reading labels, only to leave empty handed
...you take a list of safe drinks to the bar with you, and actually consult it before you order a drink.
...it drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet, they did Atkins.
...people roll their eyes at you when you say "no thank you" to someone's gluten filled dessert
.....your friend invites you over for your birthday and want to make you a gluten free birthday cake, but you plead with them not to, because although you're trying to seem like you don't want to put them through the hassle, you're secretly terrified it will be cross contamination.
...your 'favorites' sites are mostly celiac sites
...you've mastered the art of lying when other people ask you if you're hungry.
...you go to a potluck at a friends place and your dish is gluten-free -you dive into it first so that you get something to eat before others contaminate it.
...you long to look at the contents of other people's fridges and pantries just to see if you can eat anything

[aquick]

Love the cartoon! I have felt this way many a time. MY DH and DD understand and are so protective of me when eating out or buying food items. The rest of the family thinks I'm weird because of my veggie/GF ways.

[jage]

These lists need to add:

• When "malt" is a dirty word
• When you move across the country to be near a Whole Foods

These are great. Thanks Aquick for sharing.

[Les Bijoux]

#14 reminds me of a conversation I had with another GF vegan. Turns out we both have figured out that if we ever are on death row we want pepperoni pizza with extra cheese for our final meals. I would top that off with cheesecake. I figure by the next morning I would WANT them to put me out of my misery ...

Is this sick or funny

HAHAHAHAH!!! that's fantastic!

[Sensible Celiac]

Wow, I am so there!

[boulder alley]

Thanks for the laughs- I do carry my own soy sauce when I get sushi- frequently get lettuce wraps, brown bag to social events, and dispare of a gluten free pizza that is edible

Cindy